Category Archives: autobiography

The dream of independence

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(checking ‘drafts’ on my blog – and discovering some things that I never published… this was originally written two years ago! Slightly updated)

At least, financial independence. Dave W sent me to this fascinating article. I’ve been mulling for quite some time about how to go about a) getting some of my thoughts put out in book form (mainly this), and b) whether I might be able to generate some income out of my photo-hobby. On the latter score I did use lulu.com to create a calendar some time ago, but only one person bought it, and if her reaction was the same as mine it was of significant disappointment at the quality of the end-product (even if mine is still on the wall right next to me as I type this post).

It seems to me that one of the great benefits of the cultural shift that digital technology has opened up is that the middle-man isn’t needed any more. (Not in every sphere – I’m sure we’ll see the return of middle-men in food distribution as a result of Peak Oil). However, for some work, and especially creative work, the middle-man adds very little of value. See Radiohead’s recent experiment in that regard.

Now, with regard to a book, there are clearly some things which publishers are rather good at doing (Kim Paffenroth makes some good points here). But it’s also possible to pay people directly to do such things, and not go via a publisher. I am now committed to going the self-publishing route, partly because of practicalities and timing, but partly also because of the independence that it allows. I’m going to be using this company. So far as I can tell the single thing that an established publishing house can provide is help with publicity and marketing. Given that I don’t expect vast numbers of people to buy my book, and I think that I am plugged in to sufficient networks to be able to sell enough copies to make it financially viable (around 400 I guess) I see no need to amend what I write in order to sell more copies (I remain open to an editor saying that I need to rewrite something because it’s incoherent of course!)

I’ll let you know how it all goes – I hope to go to press after Easter.

Tumble

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So: when I got up yesterday to take the dog to Morning Prayer there had been no snow overnight and it wasn’t snowing when I set off. It had begun to snow a little by the time I got back and at about 9am I made the more-or-less-sensible-at-the-time decision to go on my motorbike to take an HC service at East. (Should add: we have no car at the moment, as it failed the MOT.) Which went well – we had 14 people there which was pretty good and it was an enjoyable and happy service.

Of course, whilst inside it had been snowing rather heavily….

So on the way back I was very cautious – actually the worst thing was the fogging inside the helmet – and the roads were fine, albeit rather wet.

However, when I got to the very last fifty yards I realise that the road we live on is covered in fresh snow overlaid on mush – so I go cautiously, slow down using gears, come right up to my own gate and… splat, over I go, trapping and twisting my right ankle beneath the bike.

Ouch. Cue anguished cries as I lie on the floor for a minute or two…

Anyhow, manage to wrestle bike up off me and push it into drive; beloved comes out and puts it in garage and I spend the rest of the day being well looked after (and had time to read the third of the complete Inspector Morse books that I’ve been given for Christmas).

This morning – long hot soak in bath, with massaging of ankle, things are very flexible albeit still painful.

But the bike? Haven’t dared look yet. I think that the right foot rest is bent inwards a bit; what I’m most worried about is whether the handlebars need to be reset.

Oops.

Still, should be alright for the weekend. My dominant feeling – after kicking myself (not literally, obviously) all through yesterday is how grateful I am that it wasn’t so much worse. Thanks be to God.

So that was 2009

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2009 will undoubtedly go down in the memory as dominated by the consequences of a particular decision I made in the parish, viz: to ask the Director of Music to retire. This led to a very great deal of unpleasantness which has taken a long time to work through. I haven’t said much on the blog about it as it didn’t seem appropriate, but I’m getting to a place where I might be able to say something. It clarified and revealed a very great many things.

Other things from 2009:

I started psychotherapy, and I think I’ll be seeing some of the first fruits of that process next year.

I had a much-needed sabbatical which was healthy in so many ways.

I came very close to finishing my book; more excitingly, the ripples from that process have already started to reach out.

I became much more sceptical about global warming specifically, green politics generally, and much more conscious of the distinctive contribution that theology can give to our present crisis.

I did no sailing, but I spent a lot of time on the boat and learnt much about boat management. Maxim from the year: I must recharge my batteries.

I found someone to play squash with. This was the year that I discovered that, for the first time ever, I weigh more than my brother. I expect to weigh less at the end of 2010!

Although I purchased the bike in 2008, this was the year I learnt how to ride a motorbike (haven’t passed the test yet though – the present set up is bonkers and I’m waiting to see if the Parliamentary select committee recommend some changes).

I watched too much TV and junk movies – to the extent that I have had enough of the same and am switching back into my historical mode of being a book junkie.

I caught up with the family, and managed to readjust my priorities, for the first time in about six years.

Previous years: 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008.

Is it possible….

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…to be in a position of institutional authority in the church and also to be holy?

Just something I’m thinking about at the moment. Reading this (pdf file; h/t Maggi) helped to clarify the question for me.

I’ll probably write something more substantial on the question in the next few days, DV.

TBTM20091216

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So: yesterday I got a CROS hearing aid, from the lovely people at Addenbrooke’s (though, as always, it was a bit hellish to get there).
I put it through its paces pretty quickly, and it was quite a remarkable feeling to know what someone to my immediate left was saying. It’s not quite as useful in a social (ie noisy) setting as I had hoped – people with only one hearing ear lack the capacity to discriminate voices in that context, and the hearing aid doesn’t change it – but it does make a difference, and in other settings, eg PCC meetings, it will be a real boon. I can tell already that I feel more confident in those contexts. Next step – wearing it whilst taking a service this morning.
By the way – it’s worth mentioning – I was getting a bit fed up with my hearing last year, and I did offer up some fervent prayers for it to be fixed. So I do see this as an answered prayer, and a miracle, even if it is all completely scientific!

On deciding about socio-political engagement

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Paul asked a challenging and intriguing question in this comment thread, which I felt deserved a longer response: How do I, as a priest, assess whether and how far to engage politically, including socio-politically?

I have two principal concerns. First, before I was nobbled by God, I was set upon a political career, and the good Lord made it quite clear to me that this was not the path I was called to follow. My path is in the church, and so any time I start to feel an inclination towards active political engagement lots of bright red alarms start flashing and bells start ringing. Second, the Tesco experience, ie when I spoke out against the setting up of a new Tesco Express on Mersea. I still boycott the store, as part of a personal and essentially private witness, but taken as a whole the experience was (and is) dispiriting. It felt like throwing pebbles at a bulldozer, where the bulldozer wasn’t just the Tesco machine, it was the way in which the community tacitly supported the process, not caring (or not caring to know) why it was wrong. Lots of people who I respect simply thought that I was barking mad to be objecting to it (many even proudly declared their shareholdings in Tesco). It has made me more wary of speaking out; not to the extent of not being prepared to do so again, primarily in realising that I have a limited amount of “outspokenness capital” to use, and it would do no good whatsoever to expend it all tilting at windmills.

These two together became sharp for me when considering the question of Transition Towns. I was involved in the setting up of Transition Island Mersea but took a conscious decision to step back from a direct involvement in running things when it seemed that there were plenty of people able and willing to take things forward. The principal fruit achieved so far was the setting up of the Food, Drink and Leisure festival, which showcased local products. I also believe that the local council has started to take things on board. However, it also seems clear that a great deal is still possible, and the issues are very salient on Mersea because we are so close to Bradwell power station, which is on the list for siting a new nuclear power station. I keep mulling over whether to write some articles about the overall energy situation and possibly, eg, argue for some form of local CHP in the town.

A further factor is the way my thinking has been sharpening up about what exactly the Christian community is called to do in our present context. To that end, it might help to explain, or recap, the context for my recent chewing over of material related to global warming, but which is really rooted in two earlier posts: on being Christian not green and Why bother saving the planet? I feel that the current state of the science with respect to global warming functions as a Rorschach test – people will see in the plethora of data support for conclusions that they already hold. I think that what has happened in me over the last eighteen months or so is a gradual disengagement from some nominally ‘green’ positions in pursuit of a more substantial Christian perspective. In other words, I’ve just been digging deeper to try and get at the roots of the present crisis – with the hopeful consequence of knowing the way forward that much more clearly. I think the time for prevention has passed us by, but there are still many things we can do to ease the pain of the long descent. That way forward still has a great deal in common with the green perspective, but they are not the same.

My thinking at the moment is that the Christian church needs to be strengthened in its understanding of discipleship; to understand that being a Christian is a doing not just a saying; and that this is what the priest/pastor/teacher is called to do. I am not at all arguing that there should be no Christians in political careers – I believe the opposite rather strongly – it is more that the shape of the priestly vocation (perhaps: MY priestly vocation) is becoming clearer to me. I am not called to be engaged in the political sphere in any active sense (though I suspect I probably am supposed to be engaged in a ‘shouting from the sidelines’ sense, what Justin calls the watchman role). I think that the most important thing that a priest can do at this time is enable and strengthen the Body of Christ for their work and engagement in the community. That means right worship, right teaching, right fellowship and everything else involved in calling Christians to a serious commitment to their faith and the cost of discipleship. In my case I think it means teaching about the ecological context in which we find ourselves, and what it means for our lives as Christians. I have an obligation to ‘pattern my life and that of my household’ according to what I believe to be right, but I am coming to the conclusion that a further, active political engagement is not right for me. I could be wrong. I shall continue to chew it over.

Starbridge insight

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One of the things that I have done with my sabbatical time is re-read the six Starbridge novels of Susan Howatch. I first read them in 1994, and I am sure they played a large part in driving my unconscious towards realising my vocation. They have been equally stimulating this time. I particularly liked this description of Jon Darrow, with whom I was once compared by a colleague and friend, and with whom I do identify myself somewhat (especially given these sorts of thoughts):

“Let me now say something about the qualities that made Jon such an original priest. He was a mystic – by which I mean he was one of that army of people, existing in all religions, who understand themselves and the world in the light of direct experiences of God. Such people do not fit easily into conventional ecclesiastical structures, as their individuality is at odds with institutional life, but the best Christian mystics, the ones who have been able to explore their special knowledge of God to the full by attaining a holy, disciplined life, are always those who have managed to integrate themselves into the institutional life of the Church. The mystic who insists on steering his own course runs the risk of isolation, self-centredness and delusions of grandeur, and this is never more true than for those mystics who are psychics…”

Some of my resolutions from the sabbatical are: a renewed commitment to attaining a holy and disciplined life, an acceptance of the institution (for better or worse) and, indeed, a desire to avoid isolation, self-centredness and my delusions of grandeur.

God is good.